The Power of Awkward Conversation Across The Racial Divide (Part 1 of 2) "I believe in the power of awkward conversation to initiate change. If people shut up and listen to other people talk and go, 'this is making me uncomfortable, but I'll keep listening,' you start to learn things." -- Kamau Bell The premiere of Kamau Bell's new CNN series on race, 'United Shades of America' left my mind spinning as he took us on a visit with the new and improved KKK. If you missed Sunday’s program, mark your calendar and catch the next seven episodes. It’s on Sunday nights, 10 pm Pacific. Bell’s show resonated deeply with me, based on my own experiences growing up in a segregated town in South Texas. The themes that surfaced in his conversations with the Klan, like marrying outside one’s group are near and dear to me and at the heart of my solo play, Tell Me Your Name. Most of us are raised knowing that our parents and their parent have a very strong preference we marry within our groups. Sad fact -- within my lifetime -- it was against the law to marry someone from a different racial group. Jewish parents want their kids to fall in love with other Jewish kids, most African-Americans prefer that children do the same, also true of Latinos and Asians. My friend from India tells me her Hindu friends back in India admonish their college age children who come to university in the United States, “don’t think you can marry a BMW!” Black, Muslim, White. At heart we are tribal people, and hard-wired by evolution to be guarded against those that are different from us. We are protecting our children, we think, by keeping them in the fold among ourselves. Having a preference is way different than feeling hatred and disgust for the other. Most of us were bombarded by “the stay with your own kind” messages from our families, and yet more and more of us choose partners and bear children with folks with racial and ethnic identities that do not match our own. And our kids identifying as multi-racial or other, signifies an unwilling and/or inability to choose just one racial identity. And they shouldn’t have to. This questioning and labeling of our identity drives home there's really only ONE race, the human race. But back to United Shades of America where I learned that the KKK think of people like Kamau and me (and many of you, my friends) as mud people. It's bad enough that we are here, as opposed to there (Africa, Mexico, Asia), but the least we mud people could do is not intermingle with white folks. Never mind that slaves were brought here forcibly and that countless black women were repeatedly violated by the white slavemasters resulting in multi-racial folks. The systematic rape of women and ensuing pregnancies caused by their oppressors are a well-recognized form of terror and subjugation that have existed since the dawn of time. The KKK is clear about the evils of the mixing of the races. When Kamau asked where inter-racial marriage ranks in the scheme of all sins, asking specifically about the commandment not to murder -- the Klansman was clear -- marrying outside your race is far worse, it is an abomination. Part 2 coming soon.

Last week I had the privilege to present excerpts of my solo play, Tell Me Your Name, at a Latina Leadership Conference in Modesto for community college students, counselors and administrators. The discussion following – rich and meaningful -- how it feels when we have to alter our names or when others change them so it’s “easier” and more convenient for them. Last year I was a presenter at a literary event with Sharline Chiang. The story she read about going to Burning Man was so funny and insightful, and so fully captured how so many of us are chameleons living in multiple worlds. Although I didn’t then know Sharline when I gave her a ride home after the event, in our conversation I learned that I did indeed know her work. I had read a piece she had written about post-partum depression that had gone viral, or somehow it had reached me. Here’s the link to Muttha Magazine, Sharline's essay so honest and heartbreaking, and yet full of hope. I became an immediate fan. Here is another excellent piece that appeared in The Rumpus by Sharline about her name, informative and so profound. Thanks Sharline.

Tonight is the night! My one woman play "Tell Me Your Name" is debuting at the Ross Valley Players. Thanks to YOU, it's sold out! Abrazos to everyone able to attend this evening, or next weekend. To all of you who have been hearing my stories and sharing your own, muchas gracias. Many of you have attended performances at the Marsh, Octupus Literary Society, Berkeley Art House where I’ve performed bits and pieces, some of which have made it to this show. Listening to your feedback has made me, I hope, a better storyteller; and I have learned so much studying with Director, David Ford, who is indeed a gem. There are a limited number of tickets still available for March 18th and 19th but they're going quickly. Allow plenty of time to get to the theatre tonight, it’s wet and rainy out there. Thanks again for your strong support. BUY TICKETS #tellmeyourname #irmaherrera

SOLD OUT!! Thanks everyone for supporting the opening night of my play, Tell Me Your Name. The theatre is SOLD OUT. There are still tickets available for Friday, March 18 and a some (but not many) available for closing night, March 19. In celebration of my upcoming show, I’m posting the first story I told publicly when I began studying storytelling and performing with David Ford at the Marsh Theatre. I’ve learned so much since writing and performing this story. Being able to speak about various injustices (and having some fun while doing it) was just irresistable, so I’ve kept on doing so. Look forward to seeing you at my show!

Dear friends, thank you so much for you support over the last few weeks. Opening night is officially one week away! OMG, this is so much MORE work than I expected, and I don’t shy away from hard work. I can't wait to share this experience with you. There is stil time to purchase tickets at The Barn (150-seat theatre) on Opening Night, Friday March 11.Please spread the word, invite your friends, post on your social media and let me know when you’ve bought your tickets (for any show), I'll give you a shout-out!. I am so excited to see you there. Ross Valley Players Presents Tell Me Your Name March 11, 18 & 19, 2016 @ 8 pm Thanks to a generous grant from The Akonadi Foundation, there is professional simultaneous interpretation into Spanish (via headset) on March 11 and 18, and have 100 discounted tickets availalbe to students and low-income folks for $5. For discount tickets please enter either of the following codes: TELLME TELLMEIRMA (case sensitive ALL CAPS) Gracias por todo. #tellmeyourname

"What is that?" I ask as we drive on I-35 from San Antonio to New Braunfels. " "Oh, that's Buc-ee's," my sister-in-law says, "they have the cleanest bathrooms in the world, we always know where the Buc-ees are enroute to wherever we're going. Largest convenience store, they have everything." I make her stop on our way back. It is in fact, the largest convenience store in the world at 68,000 square feet,120 fuel pumps, 83 toilets, 31 cash registers, 80 fountain dispensers, and . . . every variety of beef jerky imaginable and the largest muffins, and yes even fresh fruit, but at $1.09 per banana, and apples $1.04, I see why people opt for junk food. Confession, I ate the whole cranberry walnut muffin and it was delicious. Am now regretting that I didn't ask whether Buc-ee's had women's purses with special pocket for handguns -- now that Texas' "open carry" law has gone into effect, I'm told they are designing women's purses that allows us to be tres chic when we're packin. Only in Texas.

Tickets for my solo play, Tell Me Your Name, are now available through the Ross Valley Players Web Site! Click here to buy your ticket. I'd love to see you there.

One of my friends introduced me to two-minute anime of Tolulope Ogunmefun (born in England of Nigerian parents) riffing about the mispronunciation of his name by fellow English men and women. Listen closely,

Check out one of my favorite excerpts from Tell Me Your Name, my one-woman show, which I performed at The Marsh Theatre, Berkeley. #tellmeyourname #video

Dao, my service rep at the Berkeley Toyota dealer is expecting a baby. I know because she told me. I am pleased at so many levels. I spent much of my legal career fighting to bust open the doors to good paying jobs that previously excluded women. The automotive repair world has few women, and hearing about transmissions and timing bells from a pregnant woman of South East Asian ancestry in a busy auto shop . . . thrills me just a tad. As Dao walks up to my car to greet me, I notice that she looks pregnant, most definitely. Still, I refrain from blurting out, “Wow Dao, you’re expecting, congratulations.” Here’s the rule: unless you see the baby crowning or you are in the delivery room where a C-section is being performed, do not ever ask a woman if she is expecting or make any comment to suggest you think she’s pregnant. Not a WORD. At last year’s service recall visit, Dao tells me she’s just returned from their honeymoon. Mazel Tov, who’s the lucky guy? She describes Charlie, as a “typical American mutt,” part Polish, Irish, German, a bit of everything, you know, just a regular white guy. After congratulating Dao when she tells me they’re expecting, I ask if she and her husband have picked out names. “I told Charlie, our baby’s not gonna get any kinda ghetto name, like the names some of our friends have given their children. If it’s a girl we’ll name her Madeline and a boy, Lincoln. I want our baby to have names that people will vote for if they run for President.” My mind goes into high gear. Didn’t we elect Barak Hussein Obama (who used to be known as Barry) into a second-term as President of the United States? I want to engage Dao in a conversation about the assumptions that underlie her comment. I smile, congratulate her once more, and tell her that Madeline and Lincoln are lovely names. Dao’s desire to give her children Americanized names, speaks to her hopes that they be accepted and fit in more easily among their peers. It was common for immigrants who came to the United States in the large waves of the late 1800s and early 1900s to change their names for various reason: to sound more American, to better fit in, to adopt a new identity in their new country, to avoid discrimination, to expand business opportunities. According to numerous books and official documents about the workings at Ellis Island, it is a myth that people’s names were routinely changed there. (Subject for a future column). It happened in various ways, at the children’s schools, the union halls, the job site, when the building owner didn’t know how to spell foreign name on the rent receipts. “Giuseppe Bianchi, how about we call you Joe White.” The sooner immigrants could fly under the radar, the sooner they would just be as Dao puts it, typical American mutts, just regular white people. These days few immigrants change their names. The New York Times examined 500 name change applications in 2010 filed with the Civil Court in New York City (the city with the largest foreign born population) and of the 500 name change applications, only a half dozen appeared to be Anglicizing their surname. An almost equal number of Russian and Eastern European Jews were reverting to their original family surnames. Several individuals named Mohammed filed petitions to change their names, no doubt in response to anti-Muslim sentiment. According to sociologists interviewed for the NY Times news story, as the US has become a more multicultural country, names reflecting ones’ ancestry are more acceptable. The newly arrived in the late 1800s and early 1900s could more easily blend into the whirling sea of Europeans, and those immigrants eventually became part of the great American melting pot. Today’s immigrants from Asia and Latin America, with more distinctive physical characteristics, are unlikely to blend in with a name change. I returned recently to Berkeley Toyota for routine maintenance, and was greeted by Jim, standing in for Dao’s while she was on maternity leave. I inquire about her. “Yep, she’s great, out a few more weeks with her new baby.” “Girl or boy?” “Girl.” “How wonderful, I bet her name is Madeline.” “How in the world did you know?”

My Sunday morning hiking pals and I are huffing our way up some tough hills in Berkeley’s Tilden Park. We’re talking about our children. Women from different walks of life, 50 and 60-somethings – lawyers, teachers, a dentist, and a computer scientist – we know each other through mutual friends, work, and children. Not everyone is a mom, and those who are have college-age children and young adults finding their way in the world. We’re talking about the people our children date: those they seem to be attracted to and how we feel about that. Lakshmi has just returned from visiting family and friends in Mumbai. “I was surprised that many friends are sending their children to university in the United States.” Lakshmi recounts her conversation with Sandya, a childhood friend. We know she is an upper middle-class Hindu. “I told Supriya: ‘Go to New York, have a good time, study hard and play, of course. But don’t for one minute think you can marry a BMW.’” Lakshmi to Sandya, “a BMW, what does that mean?” “You know, Black, Muslim, or White.” I laugh, recognizing myself in Sandya’s admonition to her daughter. When my son Antonio, aka Tony Levine, is dating someone, I look for clues in hopes of learning that the young woman is one of our peeps, a Latina of some sort (we do come in many varieties). And if not Latina, I have my fingers crossed she is a person of color. If I do ask Tony point blank about his love interest’s ethnic or racial background, I’m usually met with two questions: “Why do you care? What difference does it make?” “I’m just curious, son.” My mother’s words whirl inside my head, “stick with your own kind.” In a the segregated South Texas town where the Mexican-American and white kids had nothing to do with each other, there was little chance I might be attracted to a white boy. The reality was that we pretty much distrusted and despised each other. Once I left South Texas, I no longer lived in a binary world and got to know all kinds people, and to my great surprise . . . when I was attracted to someone, their racial and ethnic background didn’t get in the way. I was an equal opportunity romancer and rejecting my mother’s provincial views greatly expanded my romantic horizons. But when it came to settling down, I longed to be with someone who didn’t require a lot of explanation in order to understand the forces that had shaped me. For a period of time in my 30s I declared a moratorium on dating white men. “I’m on sabbatical,” I told my friends, “ethnic studies 101, is not being offered this semester.” I began resenting how attuned and well-versed I was about mainstream culture, and yet how little most white people knew about my group’s experiences, our history. Given that I did end up falling in love with and marrying a Jewish man, it feels hypocritical that I have a strong desire for my son to choose someone from my group. I’m not alone in having these feelings. I’ve heard the same sentiments from Latina, Asian, and African-Americans friends. And I hear the delight in the voice of a Jewish friend, “Leah got engaged, she met a nice Jewish boy.” Mazel Tov to the happy couple and their parents. I imagine that my white friends have these feelings, and wouldn’t dare cop to them for fear of how they will be received. It’s OK, that you have these feelings. Really, it’s within your control. What you do with these messy uncomfortable thoughts, that seemingly contradict your values, well that’s another matter. The power of our tribal in-group biases is huge, and while it’s most difficult to grapple with the discomfort presented along racial and ethnic fault lines, we are seemingly hard wired to find ways of belonging. Numerous psychology experiments grouping people into random groups (tall people, brunettes, first-borns), find that individuals quickly develop positive connection to their group, however defined, and even began seeing their group as special and want to preserve their group. I’m more forgiving now when I feel the longing that my son fall in love with someone from our group, because this desire is overpowered by an even stronger wish. I want my son to be happy, and whoever loves and appreciates him will have me in her court, no matter who her people are.